A one-time altar boy turned exotic dancer, I am now a happy husband and proud father working as a buttoned-up banking executive. Before I got to this point, however, I had to peel off my outer layers to the raw core of my being to discover who I really was and who I wanted to become.
Therefore, I have spent the last two decades rebuilding my ‘tomorrow’ after revealing my true identity (to myself and others), struggling through a messy divorce and falling victim to heartbreak and crime. Below, I share intimate thoughts about some of the most poignant experiences which shaped my life. Allow me to explain how exotic dancing helped me prepare for the role of banking executive, husband and father:
1. Imagine Success to Achieve Success: Before we got married, my now ex-wife cheated on me with a male stripper. He was everything I thought I wasn’t: sexy, charming, funny, good looking and tough. His inflated ego and micro celebrity status had me jealous as hell. I took a good long look at myself in the mirror and tried to envision myself doing the same thing – I saw visions of myself dressed for various other roles I had or currently lived: altar boy, lifeguard, Civil Air Patrol cadet and banker. I gave it a try. Once I achieved the level of success I was seeking in the role of a male exotic dancer, I gained a level of confidence in my arsenal of resources that I called upon many times to go after subsequent goals that I would consider illogical or outrageous.
2. Confidence is Contagious: I couldn’t anticipate what reaction I’d get when I was exposing my body and shedding my armor—whether they would be gleeful or sneering. What I learned to do was to quickly put people or my customers at ease and help them feel confident and doused any awkwardness. This fueled my ability off-dancing to own the room so to speak – in personal and professional settings, I was better equipped to ask questions, take risks, put myself out there, and take on new ground. I bloomed into someone that didn’t hide, but stepped into the more challenging assignments in the business world.
3. Don’t Underestimate Paying it Forward: It is typical to see the role of male exotic dancer as a solo performance. Surprisingly, along the way I learned this wasn’t the case. Many people shared their talents and advice with me for no other reason but to help me dance and carry myself better. I learned to accept coaching, allowed myself to be vulnerable and open to different views. When I did that, I improved. I soon began gaining a similar sense of achievement when I invested my talents and abilities in helping others go after their dreams. Confidence gained from my time as exotic dancer helped me realize I actually had something to offer and once I started mentoring and sharing, the payback was my own sense of enhanced achievement. Giving turned into receiving – full circle.
4. Risk Takers Are (Usually) Inspirational Leaders: One of the best lessons exotic dancing taught me was to take risks and dare to taste all of life’s flavors. On a recent trip to South Africa, we were offered wompani worms, as an appetizer. Without flinching, I stuffed one in my mouth and shocked the hell out of the group at our table, and drew laughter and great conversation from all. The guts I acquired from dancing changed me – it made me into someone that has learned to surprise and delight at every moment – to be considered interesting, you have to be interested.
5. Dreams Have No Boundaries: I discovered that sometimes you have to get lost to find the unimaginable places and new dreams. The years I dedicated to my banking career have produced a legacy of happy memories, lifetime relationships with countless numbers of friends and gave me an opportunity to role model the way for young gay people aspiring to succeed. And now, finally, on a new journey – one of gay parenthood. Being a star for my children and helping develop them to be the best they can be is going to be the most colossal and important task I’ve ever done or will do. I think the time I spent as a male exotic dancer well prepared me to take risks, explore all of life’s flavors, enjoy helping others achieve success and go after my dreams. It most definitely taught me how to set no limit on how much I can do.
Thomas Marino, author of the newly released Tomorrow May Be Too Late, is a proud native of Southern New Jerseywhere he lives with his husband Noe and son Nicholas. Self-described as rough around the edges, drinking too many beers on Friday nights and happy wearing a ball cap, Tom has spent the majority of his working life in retail banking. With no college degree or formal training as a writer, Tom realized his dream of writing a book based on his first love affair with another man, while sometimes working three jobs at a time. He attributes his gutsy, gritty, no-holds-barred honesty in writing to confident meditation and reflection.
